Why No Noise?

Alright, I haven’t posted on this blog or my other blog in months.

Why is that?

I’ve thought about it for awhile. (You know, using time I could have spent writing blog posts.) It’s probably no coincidence that the silence started around the time I got my newest job (January, since I’m not counting my obligatory NGD post about my friends and I making an LP show), but that’s no excuse — plenty of bloggers have full-time jobs, and that doesn’t stop them. It could be laziness, it could be my depression acting up, it could be that I want to spite the few people that might still consider themselves my readers.

But I think I’ve realized the true reason why I haven’t been writing blog posts…

I don’t want to.

Let’s back up and look at how this all started. In Fall 2010 I had just dropped out of college and was feeling severely depressed, borderline suicidal. I talked with my close family members a number of times and they said I need to find something to do that gives me a sense of accomplishment. I could write, I could run, I could draw, whatever, as long as it made me feel less utterly worthless.

I tried to think about what had really interested me lately, and one of my top answers was video game blogging – namely, Twenty Sided – and the idea came together instantly. I like writing, I like games, and I absolutely love analyzing and explaining things to people. After a few months of trying to come up with a clever name, I looked at a picture from Ninja Gaiden, a light bulb switched on in my head, and Ninja Game Den was born, and I posted the first post on January 1st, 2011. Eventually I decided I wanted another blog to devote to personal stuff unrelated to video games, and Ninja Lounge House was created.

I told myself from the beginning that I’d update every single week, and for a long time, I did – I posted every single Saturday. The only time that changed was when I decided to post twice a week instead of one. I kept this up throughout all of 2011, rarely wavering. Things started to go downhill at the beginning of 2012, and at the end of January that year I revealed why in a two–parter; I’d gone to college again, dropped out again, and actually attempted to kill myself. So through 2012 my update schedule sank to less than once a week, but I was still a bit consistent.

Blogging helped me connect with people, especially when its popularity skyrocketed in May of that year, and it also gave me a sense of accomplishment for two reasons; 1, because it meant people gave a shit about my opinions, and 2, because at the time I started I was seriously considering pursuing a career in video game criticism and journalism.

Well, I don’t know about you, but the past few years have made me really disillusioned about that career path. Game journalists and reviewers get paid very little, they’re constantly belittled, publishers often mistrust them, and gamers are alarmingly quick to accuse them of having no integrity or of being “paid off.” It’s a big mess, and I both admire and feel bad for the people who make a living out of it.

On another note, I’ve finally found a job that I don’t utterly hate – I’m still cashiering, but I’m making more than minimum wage, and my managers don’t treat me like a worker in Starcraft. I’ve also been spending much more time with my friends, and we’ve started up a Youtube show called Insert Game Here, which I already mentioned, but hey, look, it’s a thing.

I’ve also discussed with my family the prospect of me going to college again for a third try, and this time I’d actually be studying in a field I’m passionate about. The first time I went with math, because I didn’t know what to pick and one of my favorite teachers in high school taught Calculus. After that failed, I went with core classes and wrote myself as majoring in computer science, because I still didn’t know what to pick and a few of my friends are compsci nerds.

This time I’m looking into counseling. This is something that means a lot to me, personally – if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you’ve probably seen me post a lot of links to things regarding depression and other mental illnesses. It’s a growing problem that’s significantly impacted my life, and it’s something I really care about. My mother is a counselor, so she’s able to give me career tips.

Back in 2011 and 2012, Ninja Game Den wasn’t just a place for me to write things – it was a lifeline. I went there to communicate when I needed it and to make me feel like I wasn’t a pointless waste of space. I don’t think I need that lifeline anymore, and I think that’s at least part of why I haven’t been posting there. That doesn’t mean depression isn’t a problem for me – it certainly is, and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I think I’m making what some people call progress.

There are currently several projects I do want to pursue right now. I want to become more physically active so I can learn parkour like I’ve always wanted. In my brain there’s a short story about depression, a cyberpunk novel about the world’s first sentient android, and an analytical Youtube series about games, and I’d love to make any one of those a reality. But I can never decide which to tackle first, and another part of my brain keeps shouting at me, “Dude, what about the blog? You used to post every week, now you’re not even posting once a month! You gotta post, man!”

And the question it’s taken me until now to ask is, “Or else what?” Because really, what will happen if I don’t post on my blog? I think the past few months have proven that nothing will happen if I don’t post on my blog. Nobody is going to shout at me; I won’t have committed any sort of crime. The only person who’s needed me to update is myself, and I don’t think I need it anymore.

By no means is this an end to Ninja Game Den or Ninja Lounge House. If I do decide to start posting again, I will, and that won’t necessarily mean depression has pulled me down under again. I’ve just been indulging in some introspection lately as to why I haven’t been updating, and I thought I’d share. I guess you could say I’m letting you know to continue to not expect me to update my blog in the near future.

Besides, if I did post here, I’d probably just gush about Felicia Day again.